Welcome to our Agony Uncle section, the place
for blokes with problems.
Whether it's everyday dilemmas like "who goes first in a three
in a bed romp", or a more complicated "my lesbian wife has
eloped with a transvestite truck driver" type issue, we're here
to rip the 'P' out of you all.
If you've got a problem you'd like to share, just drop
us an e-mail and look out for it appearing here along with some
appropriately unsympathetic advice.
In a perfect man's world...
"Fancy a bonk" would be the only chat up line
in existence and it would work every time.
Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to
the opposite sex.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers
for the sex" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in lager.
Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that
would be fined.
Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers
and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would
settle any disagreements.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur
in leap years.
On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the
ball goes out of play.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you."
"Sorry, but I got
wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence
and/or poor time keeping.
Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for being ugly.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get
to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone. |
DEAR
AGONY UNCLE.........
Boys night out dilemma.
My wife thinks I have too many nights out with the lads and
she's fed up with me coming home at all hours stinking of booze and
boasting of my sexual exploits with other women. Should I take her
out for a nice meal to cheer her up ?
JS
Uncle
Says:
A nice meal probably won't do any harm,
but she needs to understand that a night out chasing young girls is
a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing
home. Rather than coming home at all hours, just stay away for a couple
of days - absence makes the heart grow fonder and it's a great chance
for her to clean the house. She'll love you for it in the end.
Clitoris hunter needs help.
My girlfriend says I need to find her clitoris to make her happy.
She's always losing things and I'm getting fed up with hunting for
them. Yesterday it was her car keys.
What should I do ?
KP
Uncle
Says:
She is referring to a part of the female
anatomy, not one of her possessions. You don't need to concern yourself
with the details, she is being selfish and thoughtless and probably
feels guilty for raising the subject. To help ease her guilt, suggest
that she asks one of her mates to help her find it and get them to
videotape themselves. She could then present it to you as a token
of her affection.
Three-in-a-bed fantasy.
My fiance refuses point blank to take part in three-in-a-bed sessions
with me and her sister.
Should I call the wedding off ?
BC
Uncle
Says:
Yep. You're wasting your time with
that one.
It should be obvious to her that you just can't get enough of her.
By including her sister in your love making she would be helping to
cement your relationship and provide you with a stable foundation
for your future marriage.
Dump her and find someone normal.
Is foreplay really necessary ?
My wife keeps insisting on foreplay. I find the thought of
it repulsive but I don't want to offend her by refusing.
Should I go through with it ?
JM
Uncle
Says:
Absolutely not. Relationships are all
about honesty and openness, so tell her to get lost and suggest she
takes sensitivity lessons.
You should not have to work to get your wife in the mood for love
making - she is effectively telling you she doesn't love you.
Am I a rusty sheriff's badge raider
?
Dear Agony Uncle,
I am a thirty year old man with a wife and two kids, but I'm spending
a lot of time thinking what it would be like to have sex with another
man.
Does this mean I'm gay ?
SP
Uncle
Says:
Yep. But just to be sure, try it out.
If you like it, you're gay.
If the reality of raiding another man's rusty sheriff's badge makes
you want to honk, then you're not gay but your wife probably isn't
doing the business in bed.
If that's the case, tell her what you want and stop fantasising
about hairy arsed blokes !
|
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don't do mingers T-shirt
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